


Ornaments

by KaelsMiscellany



Category: Haven (TV)
Genre: Christmas, Christmas Ornaments, EVERYONE'S ALIVE AND NO ONE'S DEAD, Fluff, Multi, Post-Series, Ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-02
Updated: 2016-12-02
Packaged: 2018-09-03 16:57:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8721577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaelsMiscellany/pseuds/KaelsMiscellany
Summary: It started with sexy police mermen ornament, and just went downhill from there, at least to Audrey.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Blame SmartBitchesTrashyBooks, and Lisa and Kat for enabling me.
> 
> In no way shape or form related to Kat's second chapter of _Return to Sender_ except that I shared that sexy merman with her and totally don't regret it.

It sat there, almost innocuous if one didn’t have a good guess as to the source, on Nathan’s desk. Blithely cheerful it somehow managed to stay balanced atop a folded piece of paper, it’s painted expression attempting to be coy and sexy, but it was an inanimate object so it did alright.

Nathan’s betrayed expression was too much for Audrey and she doubled over in laughter, uncaring if it drew stares from their co-workers.

With haste—probably spurred on by the idea of said co-workers seeing the thing—Nathan stormed over to his desk and scooped the ornament into his hand. Snatching the note with the other. “Nathan, I hid fifteen of these in your office. Merry Christmas. Love, Duke.”

Audrey had to lean against the wall she was laughing so hard.

“It’s not funny,” Nathan’s too serious expression wasn’t helping as much as he probably hoped it was.

She slid down to sit on the floor, doing her best to take deep breaths. “It kind of is,” she managed to get out between laughs. Resting her forehead against her knees she found herself finally calming down. “Wow, I feel great.”

Even though she couldn’t see it she knew Nathan was most likely pouting at her. “Audrey, fifteen is excessive.”

After a few more breaths she pulled herself up again, walking over and taking the sexy police merman—it reminded her of those hunky fabric prints and she loved it—from Nathan’s hand. “You know what, I don’t even care. You can put them all over my desk when you find them, these things are amazing.” Flashing him a dimple she whistled jauntily as she walked from his office to hers, setting it on display right at the front of her desk.

Nathan’s footsteps followed after. “I’m not sure I approve of you encouraging this.”  
  
Turning around she went back up to him and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “You know Duke’s just doing it because he enjoys riling you up,” to be fair a riled up Nathan could be hours of fun. “And it’s harmless teasing.” Although she found herself wondering if Duke really _had_ hidden fifteen of those ornaments in Nathan’s office, that _did_ seem a bit like overkill—unless that was part of the riling, hiding fewer items then he said he had, which definitely seemed a Duke thing to do.

Nathan gave a gusty sigh, “I know.” One of his arms wrapped around her waist, keeping her close. “But in my office? Strangers go in there.”

Biting back a smile she reached up and patted his cheek. “He _has_ said you need to loosen up more. The world isn’t life or death anymore.” A good reminder for all of them. The Troubles in Haven were over, they could relax; actually let themselves enjoy their lives and the things in them.

“I know,” Nathan somehow managed to both smile _and_ frown at her. “But silly ornaments? Not quite my idea of loosening up. Even if they are ridiculous.” Well at least he acknowledged that, a start if there ever was one in terms of Nathan.

She smiled back at him, “well I’m sure you’ll think of something. Now come on Chief Wuornos,” with a grin she poked him in the shoulder. Even now that he could feel all the time he still seemed to light up in a special way when it was her touch, now more than ever since he could feel when she touched him through clothes. “We’ve got work to do.”

-

A few days later Audrey awoke slowly in her bed, mostly ignoring the alarm going off on her nightstand.

She might have been alone, but that was alright, it always felt good to have some alone time, and not have to worry about things like kissing people with morning breath or who’d get to the bathroom first.

Rolling over she slammed her alarm off. In the ensuing silence she could hear movement downstairs in the New Gull—Duke insisted that was _not_ it’s name, but his fond huffs were too good to pass up. Duke opening? Maybe he’d try to lure her downstairs with coffee and feed her real food for breakfast instead of toast. She could live with that.

Except a few moments later she heard a muffled string of curses and something like a growl.

Intrigued Audrey finally got out of bed. Pulling on a bathrobe and then her winter coat she shoved her feet into her snow boots before finally braving the outside. There’d been more snow in the night and biting back a sigh she trudged through it and down the stairs.

From the outside the New Gull didn’t look any different than it had last night when she’d stopped in briefly. Reaching out for the handle of the back door she tried to open it, making an annoyed sound when it remained stubbornly locked. Knocking on the glass she waited for Duke to come let her in.

Duke tore his gaze from the ceiling and blinked at her for a second, before rushing over. “Morning,” he said, voice absent. “Did I wake you?”

“No,” she pushed past him, glad that the New Gull was warming quickly. “But heard you and wanted to know what’s up. Nothing bad?” It was hard to hide the note of panic in her voice, but she did her best.

He shook his head before scooping her up into a brief hug. “No, just…” he drifted off and gestured upwards.

Pulling away slightly she craned her neck up and… “I’m actually kind of impressed he managed to hang that many.” She at least did her best to bite back her smile.

Above them hung who knew how many merman ornaments, while these ones were probably just as ‘sexy’ as the police ones—of which now she had six littering her desk—they had pink tails and seemed to be holding drinks. Most certainly from Nathan considering Duke’s ‘gift’ the other day.

“What do you think he’d do if I just ignored them, like, don’t even acknowledge that he’d done it?”

She sniggered, “Duke Crocker you are a horrible man.”

Duke beamed down at her, clearly pleased with himself. “Well considering how often Nathan goes on about me being the absolute worst, I feel I might as well go along with it.”

“Pretty sure the context of that statement has vastly changed in the past few months,” she teased.

His beaming smile took on a more lascivious tilt. “Well,” he tugged her closer. “I can live up to that too.” He leaned down to kiss her, but at the last second she turned her head to the side and he ended up kissing her cheek.

“I’m cold, hungry and I’ve got morning breath,” at least she managed not to sound annoyed at him. “Not exactly the right time for fooling around behind the bar.” Still she did like the idea.

Duke kissed her cheek again before pulling away. “Raincheck then?”

Reaching up slightly she patted him on the chest, even now feeling a burst of relief to feel his heart beating beneath her hand. “Definitely.” Breaking away from him she braved the snow once more, eager to start her day.

-

“Where do you keep finding these?” Honestly it was starting to get out of hand.

Nathan blinked at her slowly, as if the answer should be obvious. “Amazon,” he finally answered, hiding yet another ridiculous ornament—these ones were centaur santas and she honestly didn’t want to know—in Duke’s apartment, with the _Rouge_ unsalvageable he’d had to settle on dry land like everyone else.

She gave a huff, marching up to him and snatching the sugar bowl out of his hands, pulling out the ornament he’d just put in. “Pretty sure that’ll ruin the sugar and Duke won’t be happy.” Nathan pouted, but moved on. And honestly they were _twelve_ ; you’d think having sex on the regular would have helped put, well not an end to it, but at least curtailed it.

“Are you ever going to stop?” She had to know, for her own sanity at least. Although she knew full well if any of these ornaments ended up in her apartment, or in any bedroom, she’d put her foot down and finally put an end to it herself.

Nathan stuck his head out of the bathroom. “Christmas ornaments go on sale after Christmas.” His head vanished again.

“Oh my God Nathan.” Seriously, she was dating twelve year olds.

-

Christmas Eve and at the moment Audrey had Nathan’s house to herself. To be fair she’d planned it that way, roping in Laverne to keep her men occupied for a few hours.

Carefully she took off all the ornaments on Nathan’s tree, marveling at each bit if history they all contained, packing them away in tissue paper. But she had a mission, because if neither Duke nor Nathan were going to end this ridiculous war on their own, well, she’d just have to top the both of them and take the battleground out of left field.

Tree stripped she got out another box and began unpacking, wanting to get it done so she could move onto _actual_ Christmas Eve prep—she still wasn’t all that wild about Christmas in general, but Duke and Nathan were slowly turning her around. Still, she found she couldn’t hold back her own laughter as she unboxed the first new ornament.

-

Tree newly decorated Audrey retreated into the kitchen. Duke would probably give her all the side eye if she actually tried her hand at cooking, but she could at least make hot chocolate—Nathan claimed hers was better than Duke’s, much to Duke’s consternation. The thought brought a smile to her face as she tossed in some of the marshmallows that Duke had made earlier in the week. She’d add the whipped cream and candy canes when they got home, which would be soon if the text from Laverne was anything to go by.

With a deep breath she looked everything over, presents all wrapped and sparkly. Tinsel still bedecking the windows wrapped around lights. Going over to Nathan’s record player she put on some music. If there’d been a fireplace you bet she’d be stoking said fire, filling the space with even more warmth—sadly not. Hot chocolate still steaming in the kitchen, waiting to be consumed.

Perfect.

Well except for two things.

But only a minute or so later she heard the crunch of gravel and she darted back into the kitchen, finishing off the cocoa and putting them on a tray to bring with her.

“We’re home!” Duke called out cheerfully from the entryway. And when she reached them they were well in the middle of shedding coats and boots.

“How was the shoveling?” They were both red cheeked and grinning, so they’d probably enjoyed themselves.

Nathan grabbed a hot cocoa and bent down to kiss her cheek, but she ducked out of the way. “No, your lips are going to be freezing, warm up first.” A teasing grin danced around her lips. It might be true, but sometimes it was just fun to tease Nathan.

“Fine,” he answered with an exaggerated, and very put upon, sigh. Duke sniggered, and ducked out of the way of Nathan’s swat. “And shoveling was well, work. Can’t believe Laverne let hers build up that much before asking for help.” Audrey was going to send her a box of Duke’s cookies in thanks.

Duke himself took a few quick swallows of his hot cocoa, and he was going to damn well scald his tongue—you’d think he was Nathan a year ago. Swooping down to steal a kiss. When he pulled away she rolled her eyes at him. “Doof,” although she couldn’t help but smile when he kissed Nathan too.

“S’good cocoa,” Nathan’s cheeks were still red, although she was certain it was from blushing now than cold.

She beamed at him. “Thanks. I don’t know about either of you but I’m starving,” a non-so-subtle nudge, but they couldn’t stay in the entryway forever, and she was curious to know how long it would take them to notice her change.

“I see how it is,” Duke’s grousing was good natured though. “Spend all day shoveling snow and now I gotta cook dinner too? When will the injustice end?” Still he slipped past the both of them, making his way into the kitchen.

“If you’ve got a complaint take it up with the police chief,” _Nathan_ of all people shot back. And it did things to Audrey’s heart to see them so in love. It had been such a long hard road for the three of them, they damn well deserved this happiness forever. She wasn’t sure if Nathan was reading her thoughts or not, she hoped not, but the smile he gave her as he moved into the front room was full of warmth and meaning.

Audrey trailed after him, setting the tray on the coffee table and picking up her own cocoa. “Well Duke if you bring the dinner Nathan and I can bring the show.” Nathan hunkered into his cocoa, as if it would protect him from her; sometimes still not quite used to being so...open. Sexually speaking.

In the kitchen Duke laughed. “I like the way you think detective Parker.”

She beamed again, even if he couldn’t see it, but inside she was a bit miffed. No mention? Not even from Nathan who usually noticed these sorts of things right away. Disappointing is what it was. Biting back a sigh she sat on the couch. Honestly, what was the world coming to?

-

Dinner passed in a delicious blur, and for a brief time Audrey forgot all about her ‘prank’. Which was just as well probably.

Audrey fell back in her seat, wondering if any of them would be hungry enough to even get into the pies Duke’d made yesterday. Well if they didn’t tonight they could just have pie for breakfast tomorrow and that was a win in her book; although Nathan might complain about ruining the sanctity of breakfast. Which considering he looked like he might keel over here and now and just sleep on the floor, seemed kind of hypocritical; but who the hell was she to judge?

“I think,” Duke somehow managed to groan, Audrey wasn’t even sure she could _talk_ right now. “We should at least try and make it to the couch, if we fall asleep there we won’t want to rip our our spines in the morning.”

She and Nathan gave weak laughs, “you might have to help me up Crocker,” oh look, she could talk too. “Think I weigh too much now that I can’t get up on my own power.”

Nathan just gave an incoherent sound in agreement. And honestly, Duke was planning a legitimate Christmas feast tomorrow and she had no idea how he was going to top the dinner they’d just had. At least tomorrow night they’d have like twenty people to help consume it, and to send leftovers home with. Christmas on the whole might still not be her thing, but _that_ she could get behind.

Despite hers and Nathan’s protests about five minutes later they were all cuddled up together on the couch, giant afghan covering all of them. Duke had even put on the _How the Grinch Stole Christmas_ record and as they listened to Boris Karloff she found herself dozing.

“Hey,” Nathan’s confused voice pulled her out of her doze and she frowned in worry for a second at what he might be talking about, before her food and sleep addled mind remembered that she’d re-decked the Christmas tree. “What the hell?”

Biting her inside lip at least kept her from both laughing _and_ smiling. Next to her Duke raised his own head. “S’what?” Well if there was a problem she was pretty sure Duke wasn’t going to be much help, it made holding back her laughter even harder.

Nathan extracted himself from their pile, which meant she keeled over and Duke landed on top of her, knocking the breath out of her. “Something’s wrong with the tree.”

In a way Audrey found herself wishing that he hadn’t noticed until tomorrow morning, at least then she’d have the chance to blame it on Santa, which would have been fun just to see Nathan sputter. But now was good too, it would give them time to put the real decorations back up, eventually, tomorrow.

Duke lifted himself off her, flashing her a brief apologetic smile. “Whatdya mean ‘wrong’?” He got up too and Audrey, taking advantage, bundled the whole afghan around her, turning herself into the warmest burrito ever.

"The fuck?” She couldn’t hold back her snigger at Nathan’s outbursts when he reached out and tugged one of the ornaments off the three. “Why does this even exist?” He stared at the lederhosen wearing unicorn in almost abject confusion, as if his mind couldn’t even comprehend a world in which such a thing existed, and currently covered his tree.

Duke reached out and took another. “Because they’re amazing.” Duke challenged, it surprises her a bit, she wouldn’t’ve thought he’d like them; she’d explicitly picked them because of how obnoxiously ridiculous they were.

“Did you do this?” Nathan narrowed his eyes at Duke, although there wasn’t even a hint of exasperation in his voice.

Before Duke could deny it Audrey couldn’t stand it anymore. “You’re both twelve I swear,” they both turned to her, shock clearly written on both their faces. Which did fill her with pleasure at the fact that she’d managed to pull one over on both of them. “And I’m hurt you didn’t even suspect me.” Her pout is probably ruined by her afghan burrito, but who the hell cares?

“Why?” At least Nathan looked more bemused than hurt.

“Because you’re both ridiculous and _someone_ had to end this ornament war before it got too out of hand. Otherwise we’d be swimming in Duke’s sexy merman fixation, and your desire to one up him Nathan, until July two years from now. And that is far too much Christmas,” ending with a harumph probably ruined her little speech, but honestly.

Their protests were half-hearted at best, but she found herself growing wary when they both set their ornaments down and stalked back towards the couch. “Guys…”

“I think Nathan,” Duke began conversationally. “That Audrey’s missing the true meaning of Christmas.”

Audrey tried to get away, but now her burrito was working against her and damn it. “Oh no,” she wedged herself between the cushions as best she could. “You are not going to tell me that the meaning of Christmas is tickling.” They would, dorks.

They stood over her, not menacing in the least, not with those smiles plastered all over their faces. “And what might that be Duke?”

“I hate you both,” she exclaimed loudly, maybe if she drowned them out they’d leave her alone.

“You know what Nathan, I don’t actually know, but I’m pretty sure it involves getting naked.” And with that he scooped her off of the couch and slung her over his shoulder while she squirmed and laughed the whole while.

“Put me down you giant lug,” of course with her arms trapped in the afghan she couldn’t give his back the whapping it deserved. “Nathan, help!”

“I don’t know Audrey, I think he’s got a point.” He trailed after them as Duke headed towards Nathan’s bedroom.

She squirmed again, letting out a squeak when Duke goosed her. “Noooo, I know the meaning of Christmas! It’s family and all that schmaltz.” She couldn’t really stop laughing though, this might not be how she expected her night to go, but it was certainly different.

“I’m not convinced,” Nathan told her as Duke dumped her on the bed. “You could be lying to save yourself.”

They both pounced, showing just how well they worked together as they divested her of the afghan and her clothes; which did seem to involve a lot of tickling.

And well, it was certainly a Christmas Eve she wasn’t going to forget anytime soon.

**Author's Note:**

> [Cop Merman](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005TQKYHY/ref=as_li_ss_il?ie=UTF8&linkCode=li3&tag=trashybooks-20&linkId=144790a780bb9c5111e50db4fd43d685), [Mr. Mertini](https://www.amazon.com/December-Diamonds-Mertini-Merman-Ornament/dp/B00I73A2KA/ref=as_li_ss_il?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00I73A2KA&pd_rd_r=H60QC5PGWFF5YKSZ4STP&pd_rd_w=arih2&pd_rd_wg=V5KwB&psc=1&refRID=H60QC5PGWFF5YKSZ4STP&linkCode=li3&tag=trashybooks-20&linkId=6cb15168218f3b058fec7eec535bfbaf), [Santaur](https://www.amazon.com/Accoutrements-12499-Santaur-Ornament/dp/B00LY8KNO0/ref=as_li_ss_il?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00LY8KNO0&pd_rd_r=5WMC3AGRZWZ18RCRT5NM&pd_rd_w=kb3mG&pd_rd_wg=itBgH&psc=1&refRID=5WMC3AGRZWZ18RCRT5NM&linkCode=li3&tag=trashybooks-20&linkId=dc8960da250e9bed542a6335d4c1262a), [Lederhosen Unicorn](https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FMZPM1A/ref=as_li_ss_tl?ie=UTF8&linkCode=sl1&tag=trashybooks-20&linkId=8e3c927e0fcbb589fd1fc335a9da477f). You are completely and utterly welcome.


End file.
